The Woman in My Life

An irresistible powerhouse of technology, little Miss Black Berry, led me to my worst vices: porno, gambling, shopping, gaming. She gives me incentives to keep my eyes on her glowing screen. She keeps me awake until the wee hours of the morning. And I can look up all the pertinent information I think I need.

Black Berry. Blackberry. Even her name has begun to haunt me. And I respond to all her beeps and blaring, like she is a whining newborn suffering in a soggy diaper. I know she doesn't really need me, but I am obsessed with her. She makes me feel useful in this world of to-do-lists and telephone calls, e-mail and text messages, even up-to-the-minute news and weather alerts. Having her at my side makes me an important person.

And important things happen to important people. Just the other day, I bumped into Frank Baum, owner of my company. In the elevator of all places. Not very often you run into a man like that in the elevator. Its like he has his own teleporting machine to whisk him away to wherever it is he needs to be. And turns out, he has one of my apps!

But of course, he has one of those iPhones. Blackberries are so outdated. My Miss needs to be updated if I ever want to get promoted in this place. What is it that they say? He with the most toys wins. And it's true. Believe me, its true.